The lonely hearted club:

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I think it first happened in grade 10, he was sweet eyed and smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen, until that point in my life. No, my parents never smiled or hugged me, maybe not since I was a baby. He had grey eyes, stone grey but with a softness that could melt any heart. Especially mine. But he was my best friend’s younger brother. I, on the edge of 17, and him probably 14. Yeah, I know it sounds weird, I normally like slightly older guys or same aged boys. It felt wrong to like him, but he was always so funny, witty and had olive sun kissed skin and made me blush and my heart just loved him. What he did not know about me was that I had been struggling with depression since age 8 and would cry myself to sleep every night almost. It was like I knew and mourned by future. I would listen to Hindi songs each night, the oldies from like the 60s or earlier. I wanted true love but never let anyone know. Looking back at it now, I deep down knew I was unlovable. My dad hated me and would pick a fight each day, and I would fight back and then cry later. My mom did not really care, we were a dual income family, and my mom was a super mom. I was close to her in my youth, now I am 40, just turned this year and we can go months without talking. Today feels like a new start though. So why this trip down memory lane. Because he mattered. Still matters. The first boy I ever loved. Forever etched in my brain. What he also did not know was I was sole member of the lonely heart club. I had been born with a broken heart and never really fit in anywhere or with anyone. My neighbor was my only friend, and I admired her, she was the coolest girl in the world. I had a lot of issues with myself, was super skinny and lanky. I was part of the itty-bitty titty committee. I also had a huge nose and my whole face was hidden behind it, I could not make myself pretty even with makeup and I got made fun of often. Not verbally, they would stare at it while talking to me and expected me to not notice.  I would watch Cinderella and wish to be as kind as her, and looking at it now, I feel I am very kind and very much like Cinderella.  I learned around age 16 that beauty comes within, and I wanted to be so beautiful on the inside that it shone out of me on the outside. I prayed to Jesus for the first time in a long time, as I was a Sikh at that time, I asked him to make me kind and beautiful, to change how I behaved with my sisters. And overnight I got my wish. I feel now, today on this day, that I am close to having my wish granted again. This wish is big, and I have been begging God since 2025 for this. I don’t want to be targeted electronically anymore at all, I just want it to vanish overnight. Now I am not in this club alone I have had friends come into my lonely hearted club. Either they were not where they wanted to be in life or they loved someone who did not love them back, I knew too much about his. No not the best friend’s brother, I got over him after a year. But he still visits my mind from time to time, where a song reminds me of him or I am on the bus and remembering how we always went to the beach, the three of us. I had fun. Those 4 years were the only good years of my life. The loneliness seeps in now, from a love, one sided love denied, brutally. He was Mr. sexy. Quoting Greys. And I never fully recovered. But that is okay, I am God loving and God fearing. He was married and I had him confused with some other man, the three of them looked alike. I never thought the loneliness would get worse, but it did. Alongside it came torture that I did not deserve at all. The next 10 years were brutal on my mind, heart, soul, and body. I did get married however at 38, 2 years ago and I love my husband. I never thought it would happen; he made my dream come true. I think we often go down memory lane just as a reminder, that maybe we were loveable and worth the trouble. I still am lonely, just not devastated. But if you want to join me, I will comfort you in our lonely hearted club. See you soon.